It Felt Like Warm, Buttered Toast

She had wondered about sunlight. And twirly, loopy, sunshiny days. Where were those days, she asked as she looked out at the damp, overcast wedge outside the window. 

It made her heart sink to think that the little child was 3 and had never seen a true sunshiny day. What was it like, asked the child. To have never ending sun?

Oh, she said. Lovely. Just undescribably lovely. You feel light and flighty as you watch the sun baking your heart to perfection. It felt like warm, buttered toast inside. 

And best of all, you stay crispy the whole day.

And you don't have to carry an umbrella at all, asked the child?

Not at all. Not on buttered toast days. 

If she had known then what she knew now

She had stood then at the brim of hope. Not knowing that her life would swish by as the drone of work continued to reverberate.

The sky darkened into a gunmetal grey, an ominous rain threatening to drench the afternoon. 

The Emptiness of Night

Last night, she sat up. Weighted by the day.

Mornings are fine. Mornings brim with possiblities. Untapped futures to be stumble upon. Afternoon becomes a little heavier, depending on lunch. And then evening meanders almost suddenly. Pregnant with dusk and leftovers from lunch.

It is the emptiness of night that seems to be the problem. Night gave her no directions.. Every night, she sat up and stared at the window. Trying to find night's meaning.

Her Sadness

Her sadness seeped out and sat staring at her. Like a deepset mist that that stood thick in the air. It spread slowly on the chairs and the curtains. Over the stove and kettle. Around the terracota horse on the console table. Everything was weighted and sad.

Yet, outside it was a glorious day. Brilliant and bright, the world sparkled.  The brightness cast a halo, neatly wrapped around her but could not penetrate any more.

Her sadness was a shield that deflected all light. Inside.

random

Frenzied weekend. So much on my mind.

Went Bollywood dancing last Friday. It means basically wiggly hands and bum to bollywood songs. Had lots of fun and also fab workout. The last exercise I did was delivering wispy and that is already 2 years.

So about time I start a proper regime and bollywood dancing is pretty cool I must say.

M's capacity to drive me up the wall increases. There are days when I look at him and realise that the only thing in common we have are the 2 boys.

Sigh.

Today

For I have learned that every heart will get
What it prays for
Most.

Hafiz

Ah, Monday

Monday brims with sunshine and bright new hope. Monday!

Tired me

Just tired. Beyond, beyond belief.

Mentally. Emotionally. Physically.

I can't remember being so weighed down. Actually I do, at every cross road in my life, I take it very intensely, burning all energy to get it to happen and enervating my spirit in the process. When applying for PhD funding, I poured all effort towards that every hour and minute and second -until one morning, when I went into work and saw the email from the school of my choice. Exhale.

Now, 7 year later, another crossroad, another round of fundings, applications, exploring. So many routes branching out -all leading to propitious journeys of the future. Which one is mine.

work, work, work

Why do I find it so hard to take a break ? In fact, when did I last take a real break- you know, even if physically you go somewhere else, it must at the mental level. I find that once I scale a particular project/issue/job, I need to do something else, bigger, better and more dramatic. Once this is done, move on to another. Repeat as nauseam.

Why is it surprisng then that I am mentally so, so, so exhausted????

"Our culture invariably supposes that action and accomplishment is better
than rest, that doing something--anything--is better than doing nothing. Because
of our desire to succeed, to meet these ever-growing expectations, we do not
rest. Because we do not rest, we lose our way. We miss the compass points that
would show us where to go, we bypass the nourishment that would give us succor.
We miss the quiet that would give us wisdom. We miss the joy and love born of
effortless delight. Poisoned by this hypnotic belief that good things come only
through unceasing determination and tireless effort, we can never truly rest.
And for want of rest, our lives are in danger."
Wayne Muller, Sabbath: Finding Rest, Renewal, and Delight in Our Busy Lives

FB- couldnt have said it better about the past resurrecting in strange dimensions

Online social networks are so new that it’s impossible to know their long-term impact. There’s some evidence that college students have mixed feelings about being guinea pigs for the faux-friendship age. One student interviewed for a study of why and how college students use Facebook, which was published last year in The Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology, admitted that being privy to the personal details of “friends” who she had not seen in years made her uncomfortable. “Someone from earlier in her life had broken up with a boyfriend,” an author of the article, Sandra L. Calvert, a professor and chairwoman of the psychology department at Georgetown University, told me. “She felt she knew all these intimate details about this person, yet they hadn’t actually been in touch for five years.” On the other hand, a study published in 2007 in The Journal of Computer-Mediated Communication suggested that hanging onto old friends via Facebook may alleviate feelings of isolation for students whose transition to campus life had proved rocky. Evidently they took comfort in knowing that “Dylan is drinking Peets.”


That may well be, but something is drowned in that virtual coffee cup — an opportunity for insight, for growth through loneliness. Perhaps my nieces will find a new way to establish distance from their former selves, to clear space for introspection and transformation. Perhaps they will evolve through judicious deleting and updating of profile information, through the constant awareness of their public face. Maybe the Greek chorus of preschool buddies will be more anchor than albatross, giving them strength to take risks or to stick out tough times. It could be that my generation was the anomalous one, that Facebook marks a return to the time when people remained embedded in their communities for life, with connections that ran deep, peers who reined them in if they strayed too far from the norm, parents who expected them to live at home until marriage (adult children are already reclaiming their childhood rooms in droves). More likely, though, the very thing that attracts us oldsters to Facebook — the lure of auld lang syne — will be its undoing. Kids, who will inevitably want to drive a stake into the heart of former lives, may simply abandon the service (remember Friendster?) and find something new: something still unformed, yet to be invented — much like themselves

Q1, 2009

Is it really April?

Some turbulent, choppy seas have been sailed this first quarter (hyperbole for dramatic effect) both on the professional and personal front but in my best Gloria Gaynor impression, I will survive.

I do hope that Q2 will be chirpier, lighter and simpler. But I suppose the lightness or heaviness is mine to decide and choose.

Also, this Q2, I am going to ROOAAARRRRR (this is my best Sprong impression). Don't mess with Jane Sunshine, y'all.

First Day of Spring

Somewhere out there, it is the first day of Spring. Dandelions, peach blossoms, billowing skirts, scurrying squirrels, raspberry trifle and rhubarb tarts.

Love the Google take on Eric Carle's The Hungry Caterpillar . One of Sprong's favourite books- he loves to thread his fingers through the apples and oranges.

Christmas 08

Yawn! Yes, still around, just not been blogging.

Time for the annual audit. Must. Do. Soon.

superpowers

I'm mildly addicted to Heroes, the NBC series.

If you were to be gifted with a superpower and could choose your gift, what would you want it to be?

To fly? (no need any more for waits at airport lounges).

To be invisible?

To have superhuman strength?

To hear other people's thoughts?

To see the future?

(in the tradition of comic book good guys, you can only use your power for good causes).


My superhero power wish: to eat all that I ever want but never to gain weight or have health issues like ordinary mortals.