Christmas, 2011 and all the brouhaha

Have a million things in my mind but feeling a bit crap and shite. Need to do a retrospect of the year. Really should.

Tomorrow.

In my best Gloria Gaynor impression...

...I will survive.

Somedays, life defeats me. Two days ago, I was all in global domination mode.

And suddenly,yesterday, a distant news severs my limbs and heart. I spent the night sleepless at the turn of events, how will I manage, I asked again and again and again.

But today, I am all 'seize the world, kick some ass' again.

I will be okay as long as I stay absocrazily focused on the end game.

JS

Some poetry tonight for Sprong

My heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains
My sense, as though of hemlock I had drunk,
Or emptied some dull opiate to the drains
One minute past, and Lethe-wards had sunk:
'Tis not through envy of thy happy lot,
But being too happy in thy happiness,
That thou, light-winged Dryad of the trees.
In some melodious plot
Of beechen green, and shadows numberless,
Singest of summer in full-throated eas

Tyger, William Blake

Tyger! Tyger! burning bright In the forests of the night, What immortal hand or eye Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

In what distant deeps or skies
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand dare sieze the fire?

And what shoulder, & what art.
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand? & what dread feet?

What the hammer? what the chain?
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? what dread grasp
Dare its deadly terrors clasp?

When the stars threw down their spears,
And watered heaven with their tears,
Did he smile his work to see?
Did he who made the Lamb make thee?

Tyger! Tyger! burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?

1794

XXXX

Little lamb, who made thee?
Dost thou know who made thee,
Gave thee life, and bade thee feed
By the stream and o’er the mead;
Gave thee clothing of delight,
Softest clothing, wooly, bright;
Gave thee such a tender voice,
Making all the vales rejoice?
Little lamb, who made thee?
Dost thou know who made thee?

Little lamb, I’ll tell thee;
Little lamb, I’ll tell thee:
He is called by thy name,
For He calls Himself a lamb,
He is meek, and He is mild,
He became a little child;
I a child, and thee a Lamb,
We are called by His Name.
Little lamb, God bless thee!
Little lamb, God bless thee!

So lately....feeling a bit like Gaundamani with a flower

1. So, I felt fairly bimboish at this corridor of power meeting. Bah. But my question is if these powerful men claim to be the know all,why aren't they doing what they should have? WHY wait for so long.

2. En..o, my baby company, needs a lot more tending, loving and sunhine sent.

3. At the same time, I don't want to drive it in directions beyond my capacity. I think I am going to take it one day at a time, if I bite more than I can chew, my beloved children will bear the brunt of my foolishness.

4. I need to energize with Wispy and Sprong. This weekend, I want to snuggle up to them, seep some of their goodness and not do much at all.

5. It's going to be year end and I need to mend some relationships. Scathing words have made emotional wounds, scars that are licked in quiet corners of the mind. Not my proudest moments but I am human. I will open my heart and give my hands, ask for new beginnings as the new year beckons. Beyond that, I will let go.

6. I miss reading for pleasure, reading poetry. I need to dig out some Keats this weekend and read aloud with Sprong to enjoy the cadence of beauty.

7. An appointment was made and I am pretty chuffed. It's a real honour.

8. K's impact in my life is so profound. I think we both connect at a girly hahaha level but also at a much more intellectual level. She will also be a business partner which I am looking forward to because she has the right balance of common sense and work. I really adore her as an adult friend. Meaning she's not from childhood or college but has forged this amazing bond in my heart.

9. I need to plan December holidays soon. Where to go.

10. If I pray real hard, do you think God will hear me and make everything come true and I can take it super easy for 3 months starting January and just be what I want to be in my heart: MOM. And nothing else. And be with my beloved Sprong and Wispy all day and night.

BAHHHHHHH

I just sat down and poured my heart out on blogger and spent half an hour on latest drivel. It's all gone...

Wispy goodness

Wispy spreads his goodness every day, an angelic joy that keeps mommy floating in happiness The minute he is up and spreads his gorgeous sunshiny smile, I hug him tighter andwatch how his black curls fall over his forehead as he starts his morning babble.

How can such loveliness be gifted to me? What did I do to be holding this treasure every day, before I let go and let him go into the world and spread more of his Wispy-goodness.

Which will happen when he starts play school in January.

Current improved vocabulary at 21 months:

1. No more (his first phrase emerged at 20 months, yay Wispy!)

2. Ok

3. Neeno (for fire engine and fireman Sam, duh)

4. All farmyard animals and zoo animals

5. Ufflo (for the Gruffalo)

Apart from his regular ya, no, ammee, papa, avva, tata, annae, sitti (for my sisters)

Wispy, you're such a riot and Ammee ADORES you to bitsypieces okay.

Counting Blessings

There are days when I just fail to count my blessings. Of the goodness and wonderful things that have been gifted to me.

When I come home and Wispy runs to the gate to say 'ammee' (that's his version of mummy).

And when both mess around on the bed with me and Wispy comes to give me a bite and Sprong joins in attacking their mommy to much giggles.

When beautiful people paint their stories in my life. And spread a little of their goodness.

From K, I have learnt so much about relationships and what it means to be a woman with priorities. I extract her wisdom and keep it close. When I grow up, I want to be like K, so in control of her life and such a kindred spirit.

With MT, I have dreams of conquering a new world as we start thinking of consolidating synergies. With MT, I can say let's start a TV channel and she will say OK without batting eyelid and asking 'but how on earth!' MT makes me feel like I can take on the world.

With Blabs, the only person in the world who will never judge me after I have spilled out my guts and showed the entrails.

I think I never say enough to each one of them how much they mean to me, each one a sunbeam that streams into my heart.

On some days, it does get so, so, so hard....

There are days when I am a banshee, screaming at the kids to sit up, eat and not drop anything on the floor. I am shouting, shouting, shouting. I am tired, fed up of cleaning and washing them up and cooking and worst of all, feeding. I HATE feeding them. Why can't they self feed. Especially Wispy who want to play with his food after 5 seconds.

Sprong comes up and says 'please mommy don't be angry at me' and I STOP. And continue after an hour. There are days when I am such a horrible mom.

There are days when it is all so, so hard.

random

Frenzied weekend. So much on my mind.

Went Bollywood dancing last Friday. It means basically wiggly hands and bum to bollywood songs. Had lots of fun and also fab workout. The last exercise I did was delivering wispy and that is already 2 years.

So about time I start a proper regime and bollywood dancing is pretty cool I must say.

M's capacity to drive me up the wall increases. There are days when I look at him and realise that the only thing in common we have are the 2 boys.

Sigh.

enviable

Today, as at 11:20 am, the enviable has officially gone live. Yay, yay, yay!

Everything feels more real now. That I have a real business soon and I need to put myself out there and sell enviable soon.

bereft

Meeting A and M again at SY's wedding last weekend made me realize how little of the past we take with us.

Sometimes, it is better to have memories. When I met Tina again after 12 years, http://splenderfulchronicles.blogspot.com/2006/02/this-hole-in-my-heart-is-in-shape-of.html, I was keynoting at a conference and she was attending.

We hugged and kissed and talked about everything at lunch- kids, husbands, life. But there was a distance that made me bereft.

I have become a different me, that's all.

How goes things?

No reading, no nurturing of inner goddessness, no living. Just work and chasing of fragments.

Fragments.

control ephemeral self empowering floating

Today

For I have learned that every heart will get
What it prays for
Most.

Hafiz

End of Raya Break and so begins the avalanche

...need to get things moving, moving, moving.

To the universe that is hearing, please move those boulders and mountains and clear the path and make way for a sun dappled road, framed by greerns. Bring on beauty, love and light.

Gawd, this sounds like a proseltyzation (sp?).


Wispy turned 18 months. Vocabulary is more than 10 word now, thank God. He used to be able to say: avva, tata, papa, anae, bowow, no (with finger expression), where

NOW can say: Jyt, moon,

GDM

There are days when you feel so enervated. When you feel drained to the core.

And then, there are days when you say no matter the crap that is being shovelled, I will scale and get there. Yes, I have taken a longer road and much more ardous road but I am gonna get there. Absolutely.

Today, I am in kickass global domination mode (GDM)

Ah, Monday

Monday brims with sunshine and bright new hope. Monday!

Pick me up before you go go

Breakfast today, nescafe tarik and nasi lemak. Fspace has really good quality coffee but on some mornings, dump those illy stuff. It's nescafe tarik that is a perfect little pick me up before the weight of the day straddles.
Xxx
working on grants, proposals, more proposals. But I like mornings. There is promise in mornings, the flourishing of possibilities and inner goddess- ness. There is so much love and light. Why does it dissipate as the day wanes I wonder. And then night, bitter, enervating and suffocating with the impossibility of it all.

J

Rambling

I need to learn how to do mobile blogging - I figure thatwill mean more posts and I actually at this stage of life, overwhelmed by crossroads, the need for an outlet to vent is critical.

Latest addiction- gummy bears. I claim to buy it for sprong but end up hogging it!

Sprong and Wispy have increased their funny quotinent but at the same time trebled the ability to annoy me.

I am kind of drifting at the moment. All this aimless rambling is making me fairly miserable but at the same time, I think I like the idea of nowhere land funnily. It's decision making and having decided that's scary.

we are the sum of choices made, roads taken, lives lived

I am fairly whiny today. All sore throaty and fluey and dripping in self pity.

I need to get something moving. The current pace is enervating. I feel like I am doing another PhD again with all this developmental stuff. The problem is in life, you can only do one such super duper exhausting project like that. So when it is the next mother-of- all projects that's potentially going to consume the latter part of my 30s, I am feeling a bit lethargic.

But we make choices. And I've always choosed to push myself in directions beyond beyond. A good friend noticed that my drive is not that I am attached to achivement in any sense. I don't define myself by what I have achieved. In fact, I have a very 'all that is kismet' approach to it all but actually I am just driven. For the sake of being driven.

And I think that's so true.

Bedtime reading

So, Sprong's bedtime list currently consists of The Wizard of Oz (he calls it Dorothy and the Tornodo) and The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe (I made the evil witch fairly benign - don't want to traumatise his 3 year old mind).

By 10, he is going to understand the nuances of Anna Karenina. Would I have done anything lesser? Me, being myself and having now read Amy Chua's Battle Hym of the Tiger Mom, bring it on I say.

If only Sprong and Wispy knew what's in store for them. Yeehah.

This is so, so, so me

Sara Cox says this in her blog but it's so,so ME:

"It’s almost impossible to get the work balance right. When I’m super-busy, I’m riddled with guilt that I don’t see enough of the kids and so therefore I’m a terrible mum. When work is quiet, I panic slightly and worry I’m a bad mum for not having a sparkling career with which to dazzle and inspire my children"

Tired me

Just tired. Beyond, beyond belief.

Mentally. Emotionally. Physically.

I can't remember being so weighed down. Actually I do, at every cross road in my life, I take it very intensely, burning all energy to get it to happen and enervating my spirit in the process. When applying for PhD funding, I poured all effort towards that every hour and minute and second -until one morning, when I went into work and saw the email from the school of my choice. Exhale.

Now, 7 year later, another crossroad, another round of fundings, applications, exploring. So many routes branching out -all leading to propitious journeys of the future. Which one is mine.

The heart is a lonely place

Sometimes, the loneliest brand of loneliness is when you are surrounded by a hundred people.

Many battles to fight, all mine to scale. Sometimes, I want to ask for help but sometimes, I have no one to ask.

Wesak Day in Melaka

We spent an idyllic weekend in Melaka. I won't call it a holiday because with the kids, there is no time to sit and unwind, and I was pushing M all the time, now go here , do this -so we did the zoo, fun fair, jonker walk, lots of splashing about in the pool and lots of delectable nyonya fare. We stayed at the amazing Majestic Melaka, and I did try to go down at night to the library to read a book. It was such a lovingly restored heritage building. I felt like I was back in my grandma's home in Pusing with all those louvred windows and muslin curtains. Pity that everything was so delicate and beautiful that it was wasted on us as we were too stressed that the kids would destroy something. All in, very kid unfriendly but if we wanted to do a couples day away (like that will ever happen), then ya, definitely.

Okay.

Lots of stuff to sort out, funding applications to settle, etc. The list is endless. Plus, the hardrive crashed. It's amazing how much of my life is stored in the laptop and while a majority of it is safely backed up, just the thought of losing lappie in its state gave me palpitations.

Be a Lotus or on somedays, I need Positive Reaffirmation to stay afloat

Life is a challenge, meet it! Life is a dream, realize it! Life is a game, play it! Life is Love, enjoy it!

You have it in your power to make your days on Earth a path of flowers, instead of a path of thorns

You must be a Lotus, unfolding its petals when the Sun rises in the sky, unaffected by the slush where it is born or even the water which sustains it

Satya Sai Baba

Post AG's book launch...

Going to start blogging more consistently from now. Watch this space.

Happy 1st Birthday Wispy Boo!

25 Feb 2011

Wispy Boo!

My beautiful baby. You are 1 and mommy is amazed. How did you grow up so quickly? Where is the new baby smell that wafted and wrapped my senses with such a sense of glowing comfort and made me feel that I was holding a sunbeam at all times?

You are now a whirl of a crawler, sprinting all around the house on your knees. Soon, you will be walking away and entering toddlerhood. I am wistful that my baby is no more.

Watching you this past year has been a joy laden one, my heart swelling with many twirly loops. Watching you rolling over, clapping, waving, crawling. Sometimes, you are so yummy, I have to resist the urge to bite you harder. Totally edible package that loves to slobber mommy with lots of wet kissies.

Happy baby! I love your wavy hair, your sparkly eyes, your deep, grunty, gurgly laugh. And I absolutely love how you are sweet and bright every morning, almost impatient to spread your love on a brand new day.

I notice that everyone loves to groom you. You are such a doll . But there is also a wilful streak that stands up to your bullying brother .

I read somewhere that parenthood grows your capacity to hold much joy. There is a way that parenthood grows your capacity to hold so much more than you ever thought you could. My capacity to hold chaos, fear, joy and uncertainty is so much bigger and deeper than ever and at every step,

With your easy going nature and cool dude ways, you will take life easy because you just embrace everything with equanimity. You are a giver – of love, kindness and joy.

This magical boy held by something divine, somehow sent to me.

XXX
Words at 1 year :
ba for ball
baba for everything else
papa – recent addition

Happy 3rd Birthday Sprong!

21 Jan 2011,

My darling boy,

All of three today!

A little dynamo that chatters non-stop and who floods us with smiles, hugs and kisses as well as tantrums and furious tear-fests, bringing amazing joy and great drama into our lives.

My firstborn; warm, beautiful and absolutely huggable. 'Don’t worry mommy, Captain Sprong will help you clear up' you say when I get started about how messy the house is.

I love that you have your own little world with all your make believe friends consisting mainly of Thomas, Percy and James as well as of late, the fear of the shark in Pororo (so you refused to go into the water when we went to the beach because you thought that the shark was going to come and attack anytime). Sometimes, you also think that at night, there’s something behind the red curtrains.

I love that you still say trouyers and lellow. You used to also say Bob ka biddle.

I love that you always ask me to sit and watch the rain with you. Just you, me and thambi sitting in the patio, quietly watching the rain pelt gently on the earth.

Our 'Sprong and mommy time is something I treasure –there is an impenetrable circle between you and me which have included train rides to A&W, an afternoon in kidzport, eating fries together at the burger place in Bangsar, lots of sand art, playdough and simply lying together on the grass in the garden.

Did we have a life before you? I am sure we did (and it definitely involved your papa and me going to art galleries, eating at elegant restaurants and travelling somewhere!) but now, today, life is all you, you and you. School , playdates,ice cream dates. Boundaries. Temper tantrums. Pororo and Friends. Railway tracks and tunnels.

For your 3rd birthday party at Kidzport, you had a Thomas the tank engine cake and Tidmouth sheds for all your engines.

Did I mention cakes –all kinds, chocolate, carrot, coffee - which can be in any colour green, bue, yellow, pink. Also of late, lollipops. Of course, you also try your luck – every morning, you will wake up and declare ‘it’s a holiday mommy’, so that I don’t go to work and you don’t have to go to school.

Even on the lowest days, when my energy is sapped and I feel that the world is breaking me, I have you to go home to. I have you to remind me of all the goodness in the world and feel that is right again. ‘Are you happy Mommy?’ you ask me.

‘Yes, always, as long as I get a hug and a kiss from you’.

I wish you a blessed life my darling boy.


XXX

Key words influenced largely by Playhouse Disney:
Cool mommy!
I’m hungry, my tummy is growing
I’m not going to school (daily occurrence)
Hola it’s Kandy Manny
Let’s make a bridge mommy

Likes: cakes, cookies, ice cream, trains