Wednesday, April 11, 2007

If you shed tears when you miss the sun, you also miss the stars

says Tagore. Writing is a catharsis of sorts.

We sit in the half light of dusk. A few birds streak the purple-blue sky, rapidly disappearing from view. The crisp evening air chills the room. Somebody should get up and turn the heating on. But nobody does.

I hold on to my cream cable sweater, not thinking of putting it on. The tea my mother made has gone cold. The liquid that slides down my throat is unpleasant. It tinges my mouth with the slight acidic aftertaste of tea that has been left undrunk for too long.

Grief-numbed silence engraves the room. Opaque, dumb eyes stare at each other momentarily. We are still figures slumped on brown cushion chairs, watching the day sinking away. A few hours ago, a phone call comes through bringing results that breaks each one of us.

I place the phone down the receiver. It takes time for the news to be coherent. A numbness sets. An almost detached, clinical logic to the information. I am familiar with viable research projects. One that wins you grants, funding and jobs. Here, it is a question of a viable pregnancy. Of not being viable that is.

Suddenly, like a burst of molten lava, reality explodes. The tears come in a wrenching profusion.


Mint Chutney said...

(((Huge gigantic hug)))

may said...

oh dear Jane... :(

all I can offer are virtual hugs, but I hope they comfort you in some ways...


Kak Teh said...

jane - am back and with big big hugs too coming yr way.

zewt said...

Hey Jane,

First, I enjoy your languague... it's breautifully written. But call me oblivious... the news of a pregnancy isn't a good one?

Kak Teh said...

Congratulations! Your have won a Thinking Blogger Award. Please collect your blog-sticker and list of rules at kak teh's!

starlight said...

big hugs from me, darling

Jane Sunshine said...

Mint: I need all the hugs. Thank you dear.

May: Sorry that I have been uncommunicative lately. Just been wrapped up with all this.

Kak Teh: Am waiting for them. Maybe we meet next week? Am also very honoured to be given the Thinking Blogger award (though I probably think and counter think too much for my own good). Will get down to passing the torch soon.

Zewt: Thank you for your kind words. You're right. It is something to be cherished. A good friend of mine said the same thing-about celebrating the whole gift, however fleeting.

Starlight: Thanks darling.

Anonymous said...

Oh dear Jane. I can feel your pain and loss(?)(hope I'm not on the wrong track here). I am so so sorry.

*more supportive hugs*

gravtkills said...

hope u are ok and yr loved one are there for u

Blabarella said...

Wait, maybe I'm a bit thick, but this is different from what we talked about the other day, right? Jane, Jane, Jane! I need to hug you NOW!!!

Jane Sunshine said...

Kat: Yes, a loss. Thank you so much for the hugs.

Gravtkills: Yes, I am okay in the sense that life goes on, work goes on but somedays, an avalanche of numbness grips me.

Blabs: Its the same thing, I just omitted the surgery bit....thanks for listening to me the other day, too bad about the timing that we couldnt meet.

GFAD said...

If it helps, just want you to know I have experienced what you are going through. Although it was through no fault of mine, I couldn't help thinking what I could've done to prevent it and it was quite a while before I stopped blaming myself. And at that time, I didn't have support of friends because no one I knew had gone through it.

If you need to talk or anything, I am here.

zewt said...

then i must say... congrats!

Jane Sunshine said...

Kat: Thank you so, so much. This has been a very, very difficult period.

Zewt: Indeed.