Counting Blessings

There are days when I just fail to count my blessings. Of the goodness and wonderful things that have been gifted to me.

When I come home and Wispy runs to the gate to say 'ammee' (that's his version of mummy).

And when both mess around on the bed with me and Wispy comes to give me a bite and Sprong joins in attacking their mommy to much giggles.

When beautiful people paint their stories in my life. And spread a little of their goodness.

From K, I have learnt so much about relationships and what it means to be a woman with priorities. I extract her wisdom and keep it close. When I grow up, I want to be like K, so in control of her life and such a kindred spirit.

With MT, I have dreams of conquering a new world as we start thinking of consolidating synergies. With MT, I can say let's start a TV channel and she will say OK without batting eyelid and asking 'but how on earth!' MT makes me feel like I can take on the world.

With Blabs, the only person in the world who will never judge me after I have spilled out my guts and showed the entrails.

I think I never say enough to each one of them how much they mean to me, each one a sunbeam that streams into my heart.

On some days, it does get so, so, so hard....

There are days when I am a banshee, screaming at the kids to sit up, eat and not drop anything on the floor. I am shouting, shouting, shouting. I am tired, fed up of cleaning and washing them up and cooking and worst of all, feeding. I HATE feeding them. Why can't they self feed. Especially Wispy who want to play with his food after 5 seconds.

Sprong comes up and says 'please mommy don't be angry at me' and I STOP. And continue after an hour. There are days when I am such a horrible mom.

There are days when it is all so, so hard.

random

Frenzied weekend. So much on my mind.

Went Bollywood dancing last Friday. It means basically wiggly hands and bum to bollywood songs. Had lots of fun and also fab workout. The last exercise I did was delivering wispy and that is already 2 years.

So about time I start a proper regime and bollywood dancing is pretty cool I must say.

M's capacity to drive me up the wall increases. There are days when I look at him and realise that the only thing in common we have are the 2 boys.

Sigh.

enviable

Today, as at 11:20 am, the enviable has officially gone live. Yay, yay, yay!

Everything feels more real now. That I have a real business soon and I need to put myself out there and sell enviable soon.

bereft

Meeting A and M again at SY's wedding last weekend made me realize how little of the past we take with us.

Sometimes, it is better to have memories. When I met Tina again after 12 years, http://splenderfulchronicles.blogspot.com/2006/02/this-hole-in-my-heart-is-in-shape-of.html, I was keynoting at a conference and she was attending.

We hugged and kissed and talked about everything at lunch- kids, husbands, life. But there was a distance that made me bereft.

I have become a different me, that's all.

How goes things?

No reading, no nurturing of inner goddessness, no living. Just work and chasing of fragments.

Fragments.

control ephemeral self empowering floating

Today

For I have learned that every heart will get
What it prays for
Most.

Hafiz

End of Raya Break and so begins the avalanche

...need to get things moving, moving, moving.

To the universe that is hearing, please move those boulders and mountains and clear the path and make way for a sun dappled road, framed by greerns. Bring on beauty, love and light.

Gawd, this sounds like a proseltyzation (sp?).


Wispy turned 18 months. Vocabulary is more than 10 word now, thank God. He used to be able to say: avva, tata, papa, anae, bowow, no (with finger expression), where

NOW can say: Jyt, moon,

GDM

There are days when you feel so enervated. When you feel drained to the core.

And then, there are days when you say no matter the crap that is being shovelled, I will scale and get there. Yes, I have taken a longer road and much more ardous road but I am gonna get there. Absolutely.

Today, I am in kickass global domination mode (GDM)

Ah, Monday

Monday brims with sunshine and bright new hope. Monday!

Pick me up before you go go

Breakfast today, nescafe tarik and nasi lemak. Fspace has really good quality coffee but on some mornings, dump those illy stuff. It's nescafe tarik that is a perfect little pick me up before the weight of the day straddles.
Xxx
working on grants, proposals, more proposals. But I like mornings. There is promise in mornings, the flourishing of possibilities and inner goddess- ness. There is so much love and light. Why does it dissipate as the day wanes I wonder. And then night, bitter, enervating and suffocating with the impossibility of it all.

J

Rambling

I need to learn how to do mobile blogging - I figure thatwill mean more posts and I actually at this stage of life, overwhelmed by crossroads, the need for an outlet to vent is critical.

Latest addiction- gummy bears. I claim to buy it for sprong but end up hogging it!

Sprong and Wispy have increased their funny quotinent but at the same time trebled the ability to annoy me.

I am kind of drifting at the moment. All this aimless rambling is making me fairly miserable but at the same time, I think I like the idea of nowhere land funnily. It's decision making and having decided that's scary.

we are the sum of choices made, roads taken, lives lived

I am fairly whiny today. All sore throaty and fluey and dripping in self pity.

I need to get something moving. The current pace is enervating. I feel like I am doing another PhD again with all this developmental stuff. The problem is in life, you can only do one such super duper exhausting project like that. So when it is the next mother-of- all projects that's potentially going to consume the latter part of my 30s, I am feeling a bit lethargic.

But we make choices. And I've always choosed to push myself in directions beyond beyond. A good friend noticed that my drive is not that I am attached to achivement in any sense. I don't define myself by what I have achieved. In fact, I have a very 'all that is kismet' approach to it all but actually I am just driven. For the sake of being driven.

And I think that's so true.

Bedtime reading

So, Sprong's bedtime list currently consists of The Wizard of Oz (he calls it Dorothy and the Tornodo) and The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe (I made the evil witch fairly benign - don't want to traumatise his 3 year old mind).

By 10, he is going to understand the nuances of Anna Karenina. Would I have done anything lesser? Me, being myself and having now read Amy Chua's Battle Hym of the Tiger Mom, bring it on I say.

If only Sprong and Wispy knew what's in store for them. Yeehah.

This is so, so, so me

Sara Cox says this in her blog but it's so,so ME:

"It’s almost impossible to get the work balance right. When I’m super-busy, I’m riddled with guilt that I don’t see enough of the kids and so therefore I’m a terrible mum. When work is quiet, I panic slightly and worry I’m a bad mum for not having a sparkling career with which to dazzle and inspire my children"

Tired me

Just tired. Beyond, beyond belief.

Mentally. Emotionally. Physically.

I can't remember being so weighed down. Actually I do, at every cross road in my life, I take it very intensely, burning all energy to get it to happen and enervating my spirit in the process. When applying for PhD funding, I poured all effort towards that every hour and minute and second -until one morning, when I went into work and saw the email from the school of my choice. Exhale.

Now, 7 year later, another crossroad, another round of fundings, applications, exploring. So many routes branching out -all leading to propitious journeys of the future. Which one is mine.

The heart is a lonely place

Sometimes, the loneliest brand of loneliness is when you are surrounded by a hundred people.

Many battles to fight, all mine to scale. Sometimes, I want to ask for help but sometimes, I have no one to ask.

Wesak Day in Melaka

We spent an idyllic weekend in Melaka. I won't call it a holiday because with the kids, there is no time to sit and unwind, and I was pushing M all the time, now go here , do this -so we did the zoo, fun fair, jonker walk, lots of splashing about in the pool and lots of delectable nyonya fare. We stayed at the amazing Majestic Melaka, and I did try to go down at night to the library to read a book. It was such a lovingly restored heritage building. I felt like I was back in my grandma's home in Pusing with all those louvred windows and muslin curtains. Pity that everything was so delicate and beautiful that it was wasted on us as we were too stressed that the kids would destroy something. All in, very kid unfriendly but if we wanted to do a couples day away (like that will ever happen), then ya, definitely.

Okay.

Lots of stuff to sort out, funding applications to settle, etc. The list is endless. Plus, the hardrive crashed. It's amazing how much of my life is stored in the laptop and while a majority of it is safely backed up, just the thought of losing lappie in its state gave me palpitations.