In my best Gloria Gaynor impression...

...I will survive.

Somedays, life defeats me. Two days ago, I was all in global domination mode.

And suddenly,yesterday, a distant news severs my limbs and heart. I spent the night sleepless at the turn of events, how will I manage, I asked again and again and again.

But today, I am all 'seize the world, kick some ass' again.

I will be okay as long as I stay absocrazily focused on the end game.

JS

So lately....feeling a bit like Gaundamani with a flower

1. So, I felt fairly bimboish at this corridor of power meeting. Bah. But my question is if these powerful men claim to be the know all,why aren't they doing what they should have? WHY wait for so long.

2. En..o, my baby company, needs a lot more tending, loving and sunhine sent.

3. At the same time, I don't want to drive it in directions beyond my capacity. I think I am going to take it one day at a time, if I bite more than I can chew, my beloved children will bear the brunt of my foolishness.

4. I need to energize with Wispy and Sprong. This weekend, I want to snuggle up to them, seep some of their goodness and not do much at all.

5. It's going to be year end and I need to mend some relationships. Scathing words have made emotional wounds, scars that are licked in quiet corners of the mind. Not my proudest moments but I am human. I will open my heart and give my hands, ask for new beginnings as the new year beckons. Beyond that, I will let go.

6. I miss reading for pleasure, reading poetry. I need to dig out some Keats this weekend and read aloud with Sprong to enjoy the cadence of beauty.

7. An appointment was made and I am pretty chuffed. It's a real honour.

8. K's impact in my life is so profound. I think we both connect at a girly hahaha level but also at a much more intellectual level. She will also be a business partner which I am looking forward to because she has the right balance of common sense and work. I really adore her as an adult friend. Meaning she's not from childhood or college but has forged this amazing bond in my heart.

9. I need to plan December holidays soon. Where to go.

10. If I pray real hard, do you think God will hear me and make everything come true and I can take it super easy for 3 months starting January and just be what I want to be in my heart: MOM. And nothing else. And be with my beloved Sprong and Wispy all day and night.

Counting Blessings

There are days when I just fail to count my blessings. Of the goodness and wonderful things that have been gifted to me.

When I come home and Wispy runs to the gate to say 'ammee' (that's his version of mummy).

And when both mess around on the bed with me and Wispy comes to give me a bite and Sprong joins in attacking their mommy to much giggles.

When beautiful people paint their stories in my life. And spread a little of their goodness.

From K, I have learnt so much about relationships and what it means to be a woman with priorities. I extract her wisdom and keep it close. When I grow up, I want to be like K, so in control of her life and such a kindred spirit.

With MT, I have dreams of conquering a new world as we start thinking of consolidating synergies. With MT, I can say let's start a TV channel and she will say OK without batting eyelid and asking 'but how on earth!' MT makes me feel like I can take on the world.

With Blabs, the only person in the world who will never judge me after I have spilled out my guts and showed the entrails.

I think I never say enough to each one of them how much they mean to me, each one a sunbeam that streams into my heart.

On some days, it does get so, so, so hard....

There are days when I am a banshee, screaming at the kids to sit up, eat and not drop anything on the floor. I am shouting, shouting, shouting. I am tired, fed up of cleaning and washing them up and cooking and worst of all, feeding. I HATE feeding them. Why can't they self feed. Especially Wispy who want to play with his food after 5 seconds.

Sprong comes up and says 'please mommy don't be angry at me' and I STOP. And continue after an hour. There are days when I am such a horrible mom.

There are days when it is all so, so hard.

bereft

Meeting A and M again at SY's wedding last weekend made me realize how little of the past we take with us.

Sometimes, it is better to have memories. When I met Tina again after 12 years, http://splenderfulchronicles.blogspot.com/2006/02/this-hole-in-my-heart-is-in-shape-of.html, I was keynoting at a conference and she was attending.

We hugged and kissed and talked about everything at lunch- kids, husbands, life. But there was a distance that made me bereft.

I have become a different me, that's all.

Today

For I have learned that every heart will get
What it prays for
Most.

Hafiz

GDM

There are days when you feel so enervated. When you feel drained to the core.

And then, there are days when you say no matter the crap that is being shovelled, I will scale and get there. Yes, I have taken a longer road and much more ardous road but I am gonna get there. Absolutely.

Today, I am in kickass global domination mode (GDM)

Ah, Monday

Monday brims with sunshine and bright new hope. Monday!

Pick me up before you go go

Breakfast today, nescafe tarik and nasi lemak. Fspace has really good quality coffee but on some mornings, dump those illy stuff. It's nescafe tarik that is a perfect little pick me up before the weight of the day straddles.
Xxx
working on grants, proposals, more proposals. But I like mornings. There is promise in mornings, the flourishing of possibilities and inner goddess- ness. There is so much love and light. Why does it dissipate as the day wanes I wonder. And then night, bitter, enervating and suffocating with the impossibility of it all.

J

we are the sum of choices made, roads taken, lives lived

I am fairly whiny today. All sore throaty and fluey and dripping in self pity.

I need to get something moving. The current pace is enervating. I feel like I am doing another PhD again with all this developmental stuff. The problem is in life, you can only do one such super duper exhausting project like that. So when it is the next mother-of- all projects that's potentially going to consume the latter part of my 30s, I am feeling a bit lethargic.

But we make choices. And I've always choosed to push myself in directions beyond beyond. A good friend noticed that my drive is not that I am attached to achivement in any sense. I don't define myself by what I have achieved. In fact, I have a very 'all that is kismet' approach to it all but actually I am just driven. For the sake of being driven.

And I think that's so true.

This is so, so, so me

Sara Cox says this in her blog but it's so,so ME:

"It’s almost impossible to get the work balance right. When I’m super-busy, I’m riddled with guilt that I don’t see enough of the kids and so therefore I’m a terrible mum. When work is quiet, I panic slightly and worry I’m a bad mum for not having a sparkling career with which to dazzle and inspire my children"