Pick me up before you go go

Breakfast today, nescafe tarik and nasi lemak. Fspace has really good quality coffee but on some mornings, dump those illy stuff. It's nescafe tarik that is a perfect little pick me up before the weight of the day straddles.
Xxx
working on grants, proposals, more proposals. But I like mornings. There is promise in mornings, the flourishing of possibilities and inner goddess- ness. There is so much love and light. Why does it dissipate as the day wanes I wonder. And then night, bitter, enervating and suffocating with the impossibility of it all.

J

Rambling

I need to learn how to do mobile blogging - I figure thatwill mean more posts and I actually at this stage of life, overwhelmed by crossroads, the need for an outlet to vent is critical.

Latest addiction- gummy bears. I claim to buy it for sprong but end up hogging it!

Sprong and Wispy have increased their funny quotinent but at the same time trebled the ability to annoy me.

I am kind of drifting at the moment. All this aimless rambling is making me fairly miserable but at the same time, I think I like the idea of nowhere land funnily. It's decision making and having decided that's scary.

we are the sum of choices made, roads taken, lives lived

I am fairly whiny today. All sore throaty and fluey and dripping in self pity.

I need to get something moving. The current pace is enervating. I feel like I am doing another PhD again with all this developmental stuff. The problem is in life, you can only do one such super duper exhausting project like that. So when it is the next mother-of- all projects that's potentially going to consume the latter part of my 30s, I am feeling a bit lethargic.

But we make choices. And I've always choosed to push myself in directions beyond beyond. A good friend noticed that my drive is not that I am attached to achivement in any sense. I don't define myself by what I have achieved. In fact, I have a very 'all that is kismet' approach to it all but actually I am just driven. For the sake of being driven.

And I think that's so true.

Bedtime reading

So, Sprong's bedtime list currently consists of The Wizard of Oz (he calls it Dorothy and the Tornodo) and The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe (I made the evil witch fairly benign - don't want to traumatise his 3 year old mind).

By 10, he is going to understand the nuances of Anna Karenina. Would I have done anything lesser? Me, being myself and having now read Amy Chua's Battle Hym of the Tiger Mom, bring it on I say.

If only Sprong and Wispy knew what's in store for them. Yeehah.

This is so, so, so me

Sara Cox says this in her blog but it's so,so ME:

"It’s almost impossible to get the work balance right. When I’m super-busy, I’m riddled with guilt that I don’t see enough of the kids and so therefore I’m a terrible mum. When work is quiet, I panic slightly and worry I’m a bad mum for not having a sparkling career with which to dazzle and inspire my children"

Tired me

Just tired. Beyond, beyond belief.

Mentally. Emotionally. Physically.

I can't remember being so weighed down. Actually I do, at every cross road in my life, I take it very intensely, burning all energy to get it to happen and enervating my spirit in the process. When applying for PhD funding, I poured all effort towards that every hour and minute and second -until one morning, when I went into work and saw the email from the school of my choice. Exhale.

Now, 7 year later, another crossroad, another round of fundings, applications, exploring. So many routes branching out -all leading to propitious journeys of the future. Which one is mine.

The heart is a lonely place

Sometimes, the loneliest brand of loneliness is when you are surrounded by a hundred people.

Many battles to fight, all mine to scale. Sometimes, I want to ask for help but sometimes, I have no one to ask.

Wesak Day in Melaka

We spent an idyllic weekend in Melaka. I won't call it a holiday because with the kids, there is no time to sit and unwind, and I was pushing M all the time, now go here , do this -so we did the zoo, fun fair, jonker walk, lots of splashing about in the pool and lots of delectable nyonya fare. We stayed at the amazing Majestic Melaka, and I did try to go down at night to the library to read a book. It was such a lovingly restored heritage building. I felt like I was back in my grandma's home in Pusing with all those louvred windows and muslin curtains. Pity that everything was so delicate and beautiful that it was wasted on us as we were too stressed that the kids would destroy something. All in, very kid unfriendly but if we wanted to do a couples day away (like that will ever happen), then ya, definitely.

Okay.

Lots of stuff to sort out, funding applications to settle, etc. The list is endless. Plus, the hardrive crashed. It's amazing how much of my life is stored in the laptop and while a majority of it is safely backed up, just the thought of losing lappie in its state gave me palpitations.

Be a Lotus or on somedays, I need Positive Reaffirmation to stay afloat

Life is a challenge, meet it! Life is a dream, realize it! Life is a game, play it! Life is Love, enjoy it!

You have it in your power to make your days on Earth a path of flowers, instead of a path of thorns

You must be a Lotus, unfolding its petals when the Sun rises in the sky, unaffected by the slush where it is born or even the water which sustains it

Satya Sai Baba

Post AG's book launch...

Going to start blogging more consistently from now. Watch this space.

Happy 1st Birthday Wispy Boo!

25 Feb 2011

Wispy Boo!

My beautiful baby. You are 1 and mommy is amazed. How did you grow up so quickly? Where is the new baby smell that wafted and wrapped my senses with such a sense of glowing comfort and made me feel that I was holding a sunbeam at all times?

You are now a whirl of a crawler, sprinting all around the house on your knees. Soon, you will be walking away and entering toddlerhood. I am wistful that my baby is no more.

Watching you this past year has been a joy laden one, my heart swelling with many twirly loops. Watching you rolling over, clapping, waving, crawling. Sometimes, you are so yummy, I have to resist the urge to bite you harder. Totally edible package that loves to slobber mommy with lots of wet kissies.

Happy baby! I love your wavy hair, your sparkly eyes, your deep, grunty, gurgly laugh. And I absolutely love how you are sweet and bright every morning, almost impatient to spread your love on a brand new day.

I notice that everyone loves to groom you. You are such a doll . But there is also a wilful streak that stands up to your bullying brother .

I read somewhere that parenthood grows your capacity to hold much joy. There is a way that parenthood grows your capacity to hold so much more than you ever thought you could. My capacity to hold chaos, fear, joy and uncertainty is so much bigger and deeper than ever and at every step,

With your easy going nature and cool dude ways, you will take life easy because you just embrace everything with equanimity. You are a giver – of love, kindness and joy.

This magical boy held by something divine, somehow sent to me.

XXX
Words at 1 year :
ba for ball
baba for everything else
papa – recent addition

Happy 3rd Birthday Sprong!

21 Jan 2011,

My darling boy,

All of three today!

A little dynamo that chatters non-stop and who floods us with smiles, hugs and kisses as well as tantrums and furious tear-fests, bringing amazing joy and great drama into our lives.

My firstborn; warm, beautiful and absolutely huggable. 'Don’t worry mommy, Captain Sprong will help you clear up' you say when I get started about how messy the house is.

I love that you have your own little world with all your make believe friends consisting mainly of Thomas, Percy and James as well as of late, the fear of the shark in Pororo (so you refused to go into the water when we went to the beach because you thought that the shark was going to come and attack anytime). Sometimes, you also think that at night, there’s something behind the red curtrains.

I love that you still say trouyers and lellow. You used to also say Bob ka biddle.

I love that you always ask me to sit and watch the rain with you. Just you, me and thambi sitting in the patio, quietly watching the rain pelt gently on the earth.

Our 'Sprong and mommy time is something I treasure –there is an impenetrable circle between you and me which have included train rides to A&W, an afternoon in kidzport, eating fries together at the burger place in Bangsar, lots of sand art, playdough and simply lying together on the grass in the garden.

Did we have a life before you? I am sure we did (and it definitely involved your papa and me going to art galleries, eating at elegant restaurants and travelling somewhere!) but now, today, life is all you, you and you. School , playdates,ice cream dates. Boundaries. Temper tantrums. Pororo and Friends. Railway tracks and tunnels.

For your 3rd birthday party at Kidzport, you had a Thomas the tank engine cake and Tidmouth sheds for all your engines.

Did I mention cakes –all kinds, chocolate, carrot, coffee - which can be in any colour green, bue, yellow, pink. Also of late, lollipops. Of course, you also try your luck – every morning, you will wake up and declare ‘it’s a holiday mommy’, so that I don’t go to work and you don’t have to go to school.

Even on the lowest days, when my energy is sapped and I feel that the world is breaking me, I have you to go home to. I have you to remind me of all the goodness in the world and feel that is right again. ‘Are you happy Mommy?’ you ask me.

‘Yes, always, as long as I get a hug and a kiss from you’.

I wish you a blessed life my darling boy.


XXX

Key words influenced largely by Playhouse Disney:
Cool mommy!
I’m hungry, my tummy is growing
I’m not going to school (daily occurrence)
Hola it’s Kandy Manny
Let’s make a bridge mommy

Likes: cakes, cookies, ice cream, trains

It's Okay to be Awesome

It’s OK to be awesome.In fact, it’s preferable. Highly-recommended.

Perfect 10s across the board.

It’s OK to be the smartest, the cutest, the sassiest, the brassiest, the best-dressed, the most well-versed AND the most ambitious person in the room.

It’s OK to know exactly what you want and to GO for it — guns a-blazing, Lady Gaga-style.

It’s OK to be an artist, writer or performer, and NOT be poor.

It’s OK to quit your day job.It’s OK to have dreams that make no sense to the casual observer — and to actualize them.

It’s OK to kick everything to the curb and start from scratch.

It’s OK to be a Jack of All Trades, and a Master of ALL.It’s OK to be a supernova.

It’s OK to be sought after.

It’s OK to spend more time packing the perfect bento box lunch than actually eating it.

It’s OK to take more than 2 weeks of vacation per year. Much, much more.

It’s OK to spend a lot of time, energy and money improving your mind, body and soul.I

t’s OK to be the life of the party.It’s OK to love so fiercely it hurts.

It’s OK to be legendary.

It’s OK to surround yourself with people who are just as awesome as you are … and maybe ever awesomer.It’s OK — really, truly, honestly — to be awesome.

What makes you awesome?

XXX

I pinched this from http://www.yesandyes.org/2010/10/its-okay-to-be-awesome.html.

Love,love, love the self affirmation - to remind me that everything's going to be ok on days when it is absolutely raining crap.

October News

So so much has been happening..........

so my silence is absolutely unjustified. I just have no time and when I do have the time, I feel so shite/tired/crap that I don't write anymore.

Had a few really good reads these few months. Must update on that. What will I do without my books- I will hollow and empty out, especially when life constantly straggles.

Sprong and Wispy have been good and well except for the bouts of flu/running nose/fever etc that kids tend to perpetually be having. My source of great joy and greatest exhaution.

I dream everyday of running away for a fabulous holiday all by myself, deep blue sea, pina colada and great book in hand but know that the minute I reach there, I will miss them like crazy. I just can't win. So it must be.

Work? Downhill all the way really. Moving soon I hope, not sure if it's a good thing in terms of timing though.

Fat quotinent? Way, way too high. Some guy wanted a donation at the concourse of The Weld and asked if I was pregnant. Of course I didn't donate but also know that he was trying to be all pally wally and said it as it was. I need to eliminate this rolls but with no exercise, how? And please don't tell me to find time to exercise. I work from 9-7 (most of the time inc lunch) and have 2 hours tops when I come back with the kids. Where got time?

I am miserable.

work, work, work

Why do I find it so hard to take a break ? In fact, when did I last take a real break- you know, even if physically you go somewhere else, it must at the mental level. I find that once I scale a particular project/issue/job, I need to do something else, bigger, better and more dramatic. Once this is done, move on to another. Repeat as nauseam.

Why is it surprisng then that I am mentally so, so, so exhausted????

"Our culture invariably supposes that action and accomplishment is better
than rest, that doing something--anything--is better than doing nothing. Because
of our desire to succeed, to meet these ever-growing expectations, we do not
rest. Because we do not rest, we lose our way. We miss the compass points that
would show us where to go, we bypass the nourishment that would give us succor.
We miss the quiet that would give us wisdom. We miss the joy and love born of
effortless delight. Poisoned by this hypnotic belief that good things come only
through unceasing determination and tireless effort, we can never truly rest.
And for want of rest, our lives are in danger."
Wayne Muller, Sabbath: Finding Rest, Renewal, and Delight in Our Busy Lives

A Loss

My aunt passed away last week. A tumour had eaten into her voice box and a heart vessel ruptured during the surgery. My mother collapsed when she collected the butchered body of her sister.

I wasn't particularly close to this Aunt but found that I was affected nevertheless- I had grown up always knowing her so felt some semblance of grief. The thing that struck me was as a family, we needed to cling together in facing our loss.

The communal grieving process was a coping mechanism for us and the Hindu ceremonies that ensued provided some kind of organized system to the inner chaos that we all felt. These were the necessary processes that have helped us manage.

A nation with no soul

My friend Awang Goneng has got it absolutely right:

“.....we should teach our children again the value of literature, its disciplines and its propensity to give a deeper look into life, and love and everything that no scientist could dissect on a cold slab nor accountants calculate in a balance sheet.”

How many CEOs have I met in corporate Malaysia who are 2 dimensional accountants or scientists, with nothing to offer beyond their vocational skills? Too many.

This is the price we pay today, two dimensional technocrats who have no soul.

More here: http://www.nst.com.my/nst/articles/Theimportanceoflanguageandspeech/Article/

Browsing

I was researching a entirely different story for a work related project when I chanced this. I don't know Najib Rahman and when his father the IGP was gunned down, I wasn't even born but he writes with such candour that I felt the pain reading this son's account of his father's death.

My father, the IGP, was gunned down

Somedays only a Poem Will Do

The Coming of Light

Even this late it happens:

the coming of love, the coming of light

You wake and the candles are lit as if by themselves,

stars gather, dreams pour into your pillows,

sending up warm bouquets of air.

Even this late the bones of the body shine

and tomorrow’s dust flares into breath.

-Mark Strand

Weekend Rambling

Finished the Brooklyn Folllies - Paul Auster spins a nimble tale, a postmodern paean that deftly explores human follies. It's a bit too clever for my liking, the loose ends come neatly tied in co-incidental sequences. It doesnt detract the fact that he is such a good writer though.

Also trying to read Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides and feel like I am living in some kind of Greek tragedy except that it is in Detroit. Its very, very good so far. It sings.

Book of the week: Malaysian Maverick Mahathir Mohamad in Turbulent Times by Barry Wain . Will write another post about it.

XXXX

Everyone seems to be watching Glee. What is this? I miss being part of popular culture (with the resolute exception of Big Brother). I miss the simple things like being part of a TV series or show, waiting every week for the next installation. Once upon a time M and I used to do TV dinners almost every night. Our favourites were The West Wing, House and Gray's Anatomy (M wasn't too mad about Gray's but for me, it was the droolicious Patrick Dempsey that did it).

Now, there is too much mayhem to have a TV routine. A good weekend is one that is spent in Jungle Gym.
XXXX

My maternity break is almost over. Oh, the misery of going back to work. Of driving everyday into the city (did I mention that I work in downtown KL, 10 mins away from KLCC which means perpetual battle with the traffic EVERYDAY).

Oh,if only I had the guts to quit everything and write a novel. If only.

But I need to feed two children.