Years ago

Years ago, when they lived near Wanstead, there was a huge overgrown garden that framed the backyard of the ground floor flat. A lone apple tree stood at the corner, burnished in ripening fruit over the summer. They fell steadily and she watched the daily spoils. After sometime, it became mucky and gross.

There was a big window that framed the garden, looking out to the East. Every morning, a warm sun glowed over them, brimming with joy.

Playdate

I really need to record real life a bit more because I am letting many beautiful, magical days involving the kids dissipate with no memories. Soon they grow up and all that I will have will be fragments.

XXX
Today, we had Ben and Amalie over for a playdate. I barely survived but the kids had a great time.....

It Felt Like Warm, Buttered Toast

She had wondered about sunlight. And twirly, loopy, sunshiny days. Where were those days, she asked as she looked out at the damp, overcast wedge outside the window. 

It made her heart sink to think that the little child was 3 and had never seen a true sunshiny day. What was it like, asked the child. To have never ending sun?

Oh, she said. Lovely. Just undescribably lovely. You feel light and flighty as you watch the sun baking your heart to perfection. It felt like warm, buttered toast inside. 

And best of all, you stay crispy the whole day.

And you don't have to carry an umbrella at all, asked the child?

Not at all. Not on buttered toast days. 

If she had known then what she knew now

She had stood then at the brim of hope. Not knowing that her life would swish by as the drone of work continued to reverberate.

The sky darkened into a gunmetal grey, an ominous rain threatening to drench the afternoon. 

The Emptiness of Night

Last night, she sat up. Weighted by the day.

Mornings are fine. Mornings brim with possiblities. Untapped futures to be stumble upon. Afternoon becomes a little heavier, depending on lunch. And then evening meanders almost suddenly. Pregnant with dusk and leftovers from lunch.

It is the emptiness of night that seems to be the problem. Night gave her no directions.. Every night, she sat up and stared at the window. Trying to find night's meaning.

Her Sadness

Her sadness seeped out and sat staring at her. Like a deepset mist that that stood thick in the air. It spread slowly on the chairs and the curtains. Over the stove and kettle. Around the terracota horse on the console table. Everything was weighted and sad.

Yet, outside it was a glorious day. Brilliant and bright, the world sparkled.  The brightness cast a halo, neatly wrapped around her but could not penetrate any more.

Her sadness was a shield that deflected all light. Inside.

KJ

Crazy traffic today in KJ. All part of  GE13 mayhem. I am a great proponent of participatory democracy and hope my country will grow up to be a better place.

For a while there,thought I forgot my password. It's been so, so long. Lost my mojo to write. Lost every vestige of spring.

10 things of late.

1. Slowly, 2013 is shaping up. Projects, discussions, ideas are forming and let's see what happens in the next few months.

2. One of my biggest strengths these days I think is letting go. If something doesn't work or someone needs to be let go, I am able to do just that. Drop and move on. And I am getting better at it.

3. Somewhere in the horizon, I dream of taking 6 month off. To do nothing. Just be. With Sprong and Wispy  and enjoy them.Travel with abandon. I should do this before Sprong starts school but I don't think it's going to be possible for the next 2 years at least, considering our current financial commitments.

4. Sprong starts Year 1 in September. How can it be I wonder? When did he grow up so? Yesterday, his front tooth was wiggly.  Our little baby boy all grown up.

5. I need some pick me up- facial, pedicure, etc. Somehow, there just isn't ANY time.

6. When we move to our new place in May, I really need to start living healthier. Better food and exercise. I so need to lose weight. I feel totally shite at the moment.

7. No, I haven't been reading as much as I would like to.

8. I managed and  finished one of the biggest projects in the past three months- alone,bereft of help but in the end, I managed. Somehow.

9. I pray to God that I will be able to hire soon. I can't go on like this. It's a chicken and egg thing.

10. I also want to go for a 4 week feng shui course. I really think feng shui is truly interesting because it tries to balance the yin and the yang and create equilibrium. Where on earth am I going to find time for that.

It's been a while

Need to reconnect with myself and sense of purpose.

I have just been mired in work, chores, the daily grind.

Need to get my groove back.

How.

30122012

End of 2012 (almost).

Some beginnings. Some endings. Some meanderings.

One of those years that has been middling I think (is there such a word?). Not too many highs but not that crazy lows either. Just a steady floating on the jetsam and floatsam.

I am grateful for all the goodness in my life and the promise of a shiny new year but God please, I want 2013 to be a remarkable year. One of those years where I scale new heights, brim with joy and dominate the universe.

Om. Om. Om.

Somedays

Someday, I feel that I will be able to conquer the world.

I really do.

I have so many amazing ideas. So many brilliant, world changing thoughts.

All that I have to do is spread them to the world.

And make it a better place (how much cornier can I sound, but it's true).

J

Wispy Boo

Can I tell you something?
Yes?
You are very cute.
I am not cute.
Then, what are you.
I am Wispy.

Wispy-boo. 2.7 years of sunshiny goodness.

August 2012

Looking forward to the Merdeka weekend. Could do with the break.

1. So Wispy swallowed a coin. Waited for him to poop for a few days, then ran to Dr A for X ray -only for nothing to show up. Wispy is proving  to be my 3 am baby. The one that keeps me awake at 3 am and run to the doctor the next day.
2. Was interviewed as an expert for this research project. I personally think that some of my views about work are ground breaking lol.
3. Was in Delhi over the Raya break, 21-24 August, for a work research. I am turning into an entrepreneur.
4. Next week, I will work in new space in Bangsar. Fingers crossed.

XOX

The negligence and weariness with life

I feel run down due to the negligence and weariness with life. 

A line from an incredible short story sent by my friend Penawan. It had a kind of staccato energy and atmospheric transcendence that binds together splendidly.

Some inspiration

I've always been a follow your heart and live kind of person, especially when it comes to the work I choose to do, my life purpose and how I define myself. 

I've always felt very spiritual about it. That God must have plonked me at a place for a reason. For me to learn, and be of use. When I first walked along the criminal courts, I said a prayer everyday to guide me and to do the right thing. 

Today I came across the founder of Aravind Eyecare and have been moved so much by what he has to say:

Dr. V begins and ends every day at the hospital with a visit to the meditation room for "a silent talk with God". In discussing his work as a spiritual practice, Dr. V has said, "When I go to meditation room at the hospital every morning, I ask God that I be a better tool, a receptacle for the divine force. We can all serve humanity in our normal professional lives by being more generous and less selfish in what we do. You don't have to be a 'religious' person to serve God. You serve God by serving humanity."

Sprong learns drama

I have been trying to teach Sprong the concept of drama. When I get him to tell me a story, it will be more like Once upon a time, there was a boy and he went to the beach. THE END.

Where's the story Sprong? I say. Where's the drama? Especially now that you are going for Speech&Drama in school, Teacher Priscilla has thought you all about running away from scary animal et al. Drama Sprong, Drama!!!

Then, on the way to school this morning, he told me a story. Usually we do Math but today he wanted to tell me a story. And this was his story:

Once upon a time, there lived a lion. A dragon came along and gave out a big, big fire from his mouth. The lion was burnt. It was hot everywhere. The end.

And there you go, little Sprong has learnt drama. And made his momma cackle all the way to school this morning.

Hope yet

There is hope yet. I was pretty depressed when Wispy turned two last week.

Like, there goes my last excuse for post partum fat.

I can no longer say I just had a baby. Baby is 2 year old toddler. Then, I found out that gorgeous Sonam Kapoor was once 90kgs. So there is hope yet.

Auhmmmmmmmm

Auhm

I should be miserable this weekend.

I have a report given to me on Friday which is due Monday which means that I am working throughout the weekend.

But I must count my blessings.

Work for me on a Saturday morning is on the dining table of my home, a morning shower blessing the world and my children puttering in the living room, playing indoor baseball with their dad.

I sometimes don't count my blessings. Yes, I want bigger and I mean way bigger dreams for my business but at the moment, there's work trickling in, slowly, surely and I am still in control of my time with my lovelies.

Auhm.

Wispy Boo Does Sentences and Spong's Vocab

So around CNY holidays this year, that's 20-25 Feb, Wispy has seriously started speaking better. I can heave relief because I was quite worried about his lack of clarity.

One evening, as they climbed up the dining table to rummage on some of my noodles and I offered to feed him, Wispy said 'I do it myself'.

M and I stopped in our tracks. 'What did you?'

He gave us his wicked smile 'I do it myself' he said it again.

Ha ha. Since then, he wants to do everything himself, climb up the car seat, brush his teeth, comb his hair, climb down the stairs.

Wispy Boo, almost 2.

XXX

Sprong's ability to drive me up the wall increases but his intellectual abilities astound even the teachers.  A typical boy, his writing is atrocious but before his 4th birthday, Sprong has been able to spell

alligator
biscuit
cookie
pizza
sugar
vulture
snake
dinosaur (DINOSAUR!)
kangaroo
crocodile
and any other animal

And of course, he can read his peter and jane and most of the sight words: here, there, now, is, are

At 3.4, he was doing bat, cat, hat, bus, car,